Season Beatings
by Glitterrock
Summary: Santas going down.
1. Chapter 1

**Seasons Beatings**

**Chapter 1**

_"Seasons greetings everyone! spread the love!"_ Krit ignored the scary red fat man ringing the bell. _Why is it this time of year everyone pretends they like each other? Everyone sounds like a bunch of hippies this time of year, but why what is the cause of this._ She turned and looked at the man ringing the bell. _Its him, Santa Clause, I must make it my life's goal to find this fat man, but I will need help. _Pulling out her remote, Krit opened a portal and went inside.

Shikamaru was watching clouds one day, not thinking of anything in particular when all of a sudden there was a great flash of light. It seemed familiar and when he looked up he remembered why.

"Hello Shika did you miss me?!" Krit yelled opening her arms as if expecting to get a hug. Instead of giving her a hug though he got up and tried to run away. "Hey you little bastard, get your ass back here!" she ran after him then remember what she had done to him before and decided to use the remote again; taking the remote out she pressed a button and Shikamaru's body jerked and he fell to the ground. "Bad Shika, bad, no more trying to run away," Krit scolded him.

"I can't feel my legs," complained Shikamaru, trying to move, so far all he could move was his finger tips. After a while he was able to get up and move around. "You should put that thing at a lower setting."

"It is on the lowest setting," Krit informed him before dragging him in a random direction.

"Ware are you taking me?"

"I need to get the others that are in my service."

"Who?!"

They soon were able to find there way to the training area, even though it took a little while, ("your lost" "am not, I just don't know ware I am"). There they were able to find Sasuke. "Hey stupid, come here!" Krit yelled across the field at Sasuke. This got his attention, when he say who it was there was only one thing he could think of saying.

"Can I have some orange soda?" he said this rather dazed.

"Sorry, you have a addictive nature with orange soda, that and the last time you had it you started to act more like savage kitty."

"Hey I remember that," Shikamaru put in.

"How, you were hiding in a garbage can?" asked Sasuke.

"Enough both of you we, need to get the last member of are little party," Krit said this with way to much enthusiasm. "Ware can we find Neji?" asked Krit.

"He is still the asylum, after you fried his brain with your insanity," said Shikamaru.

"I didn't fry his brain, just made him a little happier."

"Someone should burn a hazard sign on to you," put in Sasuke.

After slapping Sasuke, Krit drug them to the asylum ware she hoped to rescue Neji from the white coats. At the asylum they met there first challenge, it was in white clothes, wore to much makeup and sat behind a dead tree.

"Yes can I help you?" asked the evil creature.

"Were here to see Hyuga Neji," said Krit nervously; she didn't like the thing looking at her.

"He isn't allowed visitors," it said bluntly.

"Well, ummmm uh ummmm can we just see him for a minute?"  
"No, he is in intensive care."

"CARE, YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO DESROY ALL THAT I HAVE DONE! Oh shit"

"You did that to him?" Krit say her pressing a couple of buttons. Krit could think of only one thing to do.

"REMOVE THE PENGUIN SHIT FROM YOUR EYES AND SEE THE DEMONS THAT LIVE IN YOUR FINGERNAILS YOU EVIL BITCH!" and with that Krit grabbed it by the back of the head and slammed its face into the desk. "Hurry to the Intensive Care Unit with that they ran into through a door that was labeled I. C. U (I see you lol). Running down the hall they started opening random doors. After releasing about 17 psychopaths from their cells they finally found Neji's room.

"Come my friend we must go!" yelled Krit. Neji jumped up and ran toward her.

"WOOH GET THE HUGY JACKET OFF! IT IS EATING MY ARMS!" yelled Neji. Krit pulled out a knife and cut him loose, hearing sirens Krit decided that it was time to go. She quickly opened a portal and pulled everyone through it.

Soon they were in a old broken down house in the middle of a desert. "Wooh that was fun now we have work to do!" Krit yelled punching the air. Shikamaru and Neji were looking around the house.

"This place seems familiar," said Shika.

"Hey isn't this the place we hid at when we burned down Vegas?" asked Neji.

"Yep I use this place as a hide out when the FBI are after me."

"I would have thought the up side down fire truck outside would have tipped someone off," sad Shikamaru.

"Nope, people are stupid, now as I said we have work to do, there is evil here and we must get rid of it!"

"What kind of evil?" asked Sasuke warily, mostly because Krit version of "evil" was very twisted

"The whole planet is being deceived, and me being the hyper intelligent being that I am, have noticed it!" she said over dramatically.

"Hyper intelligent? I think only half of that is right," said Shikamaru.

"Yah your right, I'm not very hyper." Krit said while clearing the table off. "Alright we need to find the source of the supreme evil, there is a rumor that he lives in the North Pole but I think that is a rumor he spread to kick people off his track. I mean who the fuck would live there, there are no natural resources for him to get anything, so I don't think he is there."

"Well who are we after anyway?" asked Sasuke.

"Santa Clause," Krit said in a eerie voice, pulling out a picture of a fat man in a flying sled pulled by reindeer.

"Well what has he done and why haven't anyone taken care of it before?" asked Shikamaru.

"His cover story is that he is the nicest person on the face of the earth , gives toys to good little children of the world and has happy little elves working for him and some really nice kids may get to go one the _Polar Express _ware they get to visit the real Santa Clause and blah, blah, blah. BULLSHIT. Here is a list of crimes that I have found him guilty of, braking and entering the fat fuck brakes into every house on the planet, pedophile '_he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake'._ Slaver driver do you think those elves really work all year round with out a brake because they want to. Kidnapping the polar express is a cover story to get more slaves, and the last is the worst animal cruelty by expose to radioactive matter causing biochemical mutation."

"Wait, ware the fuck did that last bit come from?" asked Neji. Krit looked at Neji with a look that said, "what the hell did they do to you when I was gone," shaking her head Krit went on to explain.

"Reindeer, a large deer with large branched antlers in both males and females. Native to: northern and Arctic regions. Latin name: Rangifer tarandus. They don't fly and are generally timid creatures, So not only are they pulling this fat bozos slay; there flying around and one in particular is glowing red. That along suggests being exposed to a large amount of nuclear radiation, also these deer don't die and neither does the

fat bastard behind all of this. I can understand why the elves don't die they are immortal, but how is it that this weird ass fat guy in red suit lives forever? I have finally figured it out along with the true location of his base, Santa Clause is from space and he has turned those reindeer into flesh eating zombies; and his base is located on Venus." Krit finished slamming her fist onto the table, Neji spoke first.

"I fucking new it!"

"Has anyone ever called you crazy before?" asked Shikamaru, at first Krit didn't say anything as she started writing something down but then they all herd a low mumbling noise.**  
_"Crazy?! I was once, they took me away and put me in a white padded box, it made me go crazy. Crazy?! I was crazy once, they took me away and put me in a white padded box, it made me go crazy." _**after repeating this a few more times she seemed to come out of her little chant. "Anyway what were you saying? I kind of zoned out."

"Nothing important, what is the plain of attack," said Shikamaru with new enthusiasm.

First we need to get to Venus, then we must navigate through a labyrinth of underground tunnels that Santa had the elves carve for slave pens. From there we must navigate are way to the _Happy Holidays Beam_.

"The what?!" asked Sasuke.

"It is a beam that Santa shoots at the earth to make everyone happy and be more charitable. Anyway from there we must also free all of the slaves, put the reindeer out of there misery and kill Santa Clause, any questions?" Shikamaru raised his hand.

"Just one, how are we getting there?"

Standing up Krit walked over to the couch, "that is easy, we will take the Anti-Santa Mock 13 Space Shuttle," with that she pressed a button on the couch and it opened up and she pulled the three of them onto a metal platform and the started to decanted. "Welcome gentlemen to the secret base of the Anti-Santa-Squad, you are now proud members of A.S.S," she said happily as they entered a ungrounded base ware they say a huge shuttle and other things that James Bond would envy. On the side of the shuttle it said in big red letter World Against Santa.

"What the fuck did Santa Clause do to piss you off so much, that you would dedicate your life to forming a secret organization to destroying him," asked Sasuke a little nervously.

"All I wanted was a couple vials of Polonium 210 and he didn't get me any. That fat bastard will pay for crushing my dreams and making it imposable for me to take control of the planet by age 4. Besides I haven't dedicated my life to this, just a small portion of it. Everything we need is inside this ship ready to go?"

They looked a little nervous but they slowly walked toward the ship.

"Oh and there is coffee, and orange soda on board," Krit put in. This made Neji and Sasuke forget their fear as they instantly jumped on. Shikamaru didn't though, he was just watching Krit. "You know there is something on there for you to Shika."

"What, a way home."

"Better," Krit pulled out a green can that said AMP on the side of it. "This will make you feel a lot better, plus it will give you a little more pep. Of course the way you are you'll still have a semi-level head, so drink up," with that she gave the can to Shikamaru. Slowly he started to sip at the beverage, "oh one more thing Shika, don't let Sasuke or Neji have that, or me for that matter. Unless it is a emergency like no hope emergency then give it to one of us," with that said they got into the ship.

A/N: I had planned this to be a one shot but it has turned into something a little longer then that. At most it will be 3 chapters long. Anyway if you haven't read Orange soda you probably should seeing as I have made quite a few references to it, (it is funny and all should read it). REVIEWS ARE COOL!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Do you know how to fly this thing?!" asked Shikamaru nervously as he sat in a seat slowly realizing that they were about to go up in space.

"Of course, I built it!" said Krit happily.

"Oh good, wait Oh god," Shikamaru started to sob quietly, but it soon escalated as he herd Krit talking.

"Wow what is this? I don't remember putting this in here, I wonder what it does?" Krit started pushing buttons to get ready to launch, while everyone else got ready for take off. Seeing Shikamaru was in distress Sasuke hoped over to him, (literally).

"What be wrong?"  
"We are about to be blasted into space and a lunatic is the driver, I mean she doesn't even have a permit to drive a car, let alone a spaceship; which might not work seeing as the loon build it!"

"Can I take off your head?"

"No, no you can not." This remark made Sasuke a little sad but he excepted it.

Neji was in the front passenger seat being a hyper Neji, "What's this do! what's that do, what's this do how about this?! This, this, this!" Krit grabbed his hand after a while.

"Either stop touching random buttons or I will tear all your skin off, and make you eat it," this didn't seem to bother Neji for some reason; "and I'll never let you have coffee again."

"OH GOD NO! I'LL BE GOOD I'LL BE GOOD!"

"Good, now sit down and be quiet until we are out of the earths atmosphere," with that the shuttle started to move into a 90 degree angle. Krit then pushed a button and straps flung across all of them, holding them to the seats; "if anyone wishes to leave, for fear of their life, well you can't." Krit giggled as she said the last little bit, then she slammed her fist onto a big purple button.

_**This next part I am not even going to bother to write seeing as it is either screaming or insane laughter. **_

"See I told you that we could make it into space," said Krit happily.

"Wow that was so cool! Can we do it again!" squealed Neji happily jumping up and down in his seat.

"Wooh I feel queasy," said Sasuke as slumping into his seat, "can I have more orange soda, seeing as I lost most of it?"

"That was interesting, but I think I am it scrambled my brain, because I think I am floating." said Shikamaru.

"Wow Shika how are you doing that, wow how am I doing it to," said Neji who was now trying to fly, but his seat belt was keeping him down.

Krit pushed a button and their seat belts unhitched and thy started to float up to the ceiling of the ship. "We are on are way, we should be there in a couple of hours." said Krit while floating over to ware the other three were levitating.

"Hours! Why can't we be there now!?" whined Sasuke.

"Do have any idea how far away Venus is Sasuke?" asked Krit

"Uh 100 miles away?"

"Try over 350,000 miles away, and we are going way faster then most ships can, it takes about 3 days for a ship to just get to the moon and that is just 250,000 miles away so be happy that this trip will only take a couple days; and not a couple of weeks of." Then Krit started to dig in a drawer and pulled a couple packs of pills. "Ok everyone when we get there we have to take one of these every 5 hours," Krit handed each of them a pack of purple pills each holding 10 pills each. "Swallow one of these and you will be able to breath carbon dioxide as well as oxygen."

"Why would we want to do that?" asked Shikamaru.

"Because Venus's atmosphere is 96 carbon dioxide, 3 nitrogen and 1 water vapor. Then she started to rummage through the drawers again and pulled out some spray on sun screen.

"Ok why do we need that?"

"Because it is 900 degrees Fahrenheit, (482 degrees Calicoes) on Venus, and this will make it feel like a really hot summer day, and we will need these," Krit pulled out a couple of headsets and tossed one to each of them. "These are fun, we can talk to each other and tell the time, wooh and it looks like we are there are you all ready?"

Neji started "jumping" up and down happily, Sasuke started to do summer salts of joy, while Shika just sat there. Pulling herself down Krit pushed a button, Shikamaru noticed and also pulled himself down but Sasuke and Neji failed to notice; so when Krit turned the gravity back on they slammed into the floor. "That was the first funny thing that I have seen on this trip," said Shika.

"Oh Shika you need this, seeing as you stopped drink the stuff that I gave you" Krit stuck a needle in his arm and made him carry a small back pack. After setting Shikamaru up Krit made sure that everyone was ready to go out into the unknown.

**10 minutes later**

"You have no fucking idea ware the hell we are do you?!" yelled Shikamaru.

"Wow Shika what the fuck is wrong with you?" asked Sasuke.

"Yah why are you so pissy all of a sudden, you on PMS or something?" asked Neji.

"WHAT I'M NOT ON PMS YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Well this was a better reaction then I was hoping for," said Krit going over to Shikamaru, and handed him a huge gun. "You are one of the few not hyper but still insanely dangerous people; this is great usually when given caffeine they either get really hyper or they don't do anything, you just get really pissed off."

Then Krit hopped away to a small square rock, "here we are," pointing to the rock Krit said, "this is ware we are going to secretly enter Santa's domain." Then she taped on the rock and stepped back. The ground shook as a elevator came out of the ground and opened.

"How did you know that was there?" asked Sasuke.

"I didn't!" squealed Krit happily, pulling them into the elevator. In the elevator there were several buttons on the side. _Throne Room, Radiation Exposure Tank, Elves Rooms, Toy Factory, Slave Pens, Incineration Room, GYM. _

"GYM?" said Neji with a puzzled look on his face.

"You really think that he is a fat bastard?" asked Krit, this caused a award silence but was soon broken by Shikamaru's question.

"Ware should we go first?"

Pondering this for a moment Krit then shouted, "THS ONE!" then pressed the Slave pen button. They felt the elevator slowly move down like a normal elevator, then started to play Christmas music, _'He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when your awake.'_

"Why the slave pens?" asked Sasuke.

"Well everyone down there hates Santa, and they are a bunch of overly violent children and teens who want revenge, and when given guns and ammo and set free; well lets just say that it will be a lot of fun." It didn't take to long for them to get to the slave pens and when they got there they were in for a surprise.

"GWEN! What the fuck are you doing in that cell!?" yelled Krit looking into a cell.

"I was kidnapped, now get me down from here before I am forced to detonate the nuclear war head I have hidden under my pillow," this convinced Krit to let her out of the cell. After they set her free a closer examination of the other cells showed that they were all empty.

"Where is everyone, usually when Santa kidnaps people he takes hundreds," said Krit looking at Gwen.

"They were taken to another room and they left me here," Gwen informed her.

"Why did they leave you here?" Neji asked hopping over to her. This movement made Gwen realize who else had been drug along for the fun.

"Have you been fucking around with the laws of physics again?!" Gwen yelled at Krit.

"Yes, yes I have now, answer Neji's question."

"They sent a elf a person and took them all into different directions, some where taken away to some secret ceremony of death and killing to fuel their happy beam and feed the reindeer and what not."

"So they just didn't send in a elf for you?" asked Sasuke, while Shikamaru looked behind a door to find a elf nailed to the door with a candy cane.

Neji came up behind Shikamaru and yelled, "Hey a candy cane!" then pulled it free and started to eat the bloody cane of minty goodness.

"Hey that was mine," pouted Gwen, "Oh well there is a rumor that there is a candy cane tree in one of Santa's secret vaults."

"WHAT!?" yelled Krit grabbing Gwen and shaking her, "You mean that there is a giant candy cane tree in here some ware!"

"Yep."  
"OK I AM GETTING BORED! YOU GAVE ME THIS GUN AND I HAVENT GOTTEN TO SHOOT ANYONE WITH IT YET!" screamed Shikamaru suddenly.

Gwen leaned over to Krit and whispered, "What did you do?!" Krit didn't say anything, just smiled and handed her a empty can of AMP.

"Ok Shika seeing as you are very eager to go blow things up, there is something that you can do for me that you will very much enjoy," said Krit

"What?"  
"See that hall over there," Krit pointed to a hall way at the end of the dungeon.

"Yah."  
"Run down that hall and kill everything that gets in your way."

"Doesn't that hall lead to all the children as well as the elves?"

"Leave no survivors," Shikamaru smiled and went down the hall.

"Ok everyone, TO THE THRONE ROOM!" yelled Krit dramatically as they ran back to the elevator and pushed the button; but the drama was lost when the elevator went at its painfully slow pace. This did give them time to plain there attack a little bit better.

"Ok we sneak into the throne room, grab the candy cane tree, and run for it!"

". . . ."

"What?"  
"What about Santa?"  
"What about the happy beam thing?"  
"What about Shika are we leaving without him?"

". . . .So there are a few flaws big deal."

Soon they were at the throne room, it was amazing, but seeing as everyone has ADHD they didn't care for very long. Luckily though the room was empty besides Santa's huge ass throne, which was about an acre long and wide.

"Where do you think he hides the candy cane tree?" asked Sasuke.

"Under his fat ass chair," said Krit.

"Why under there?" asked Sasuke

"If I had a chair that big, I would hid things under it," said Neji. So they all tried to move the chair, but this didn't work mostly because it was fucking huge; and it seemed to be indented into the ground. Soon they gave up and started to wonder around the oversized room.

Then all of a sudden Neji runs up to them with a pot in his hands, "I found the tree!" Looking at it they saw that there was a candy cane "tree" growing in it.

"Looks more like a Bonsai tree only made out of candy canes," said Gwen.

"Well that just makes it easier," said Krit taking the plant away from Neji. "Ok lets get out of here," then the alarms went off, "Shiza" yelled Krit as they elves started to come out of every where only there was something wrong with them, they were zombie elves, and one of them had Shikamaru's gun.

In times like this Krit gave her all knowing wisdom, "RUN AWAY!"

"Why didn't you tell us that the elves were zombies to!" yelled Sasuke.

"Can't know everything," Krit said as they made it to the elevator. In the elevator they enjoyed some quiet time listening to the Christmas music.

"So are we going to leave Shika here?" asked Neji

"They had his gun do you really think that he is still alive?" said Gwen.

They were silent the rest of the trip up and were somewhat surprised when nothing attacked them on the surface of the planet.

"Hey why doesn't Gwen need the pill this so she can breath?!" asked Sasuke.

"Breathing is for Humans," said Gwen, Sasuke was about to say more but he was interrupted.

"HEY WHAT TOOK YOU GUYS SO LONG!" yelled Shikamaru from the ship.

"We thought you were dead," yelled Neji running up to him and gave him a hug.

"I just ran into trouble so I did the only thing I could."

"You threw your gun down and ran away?" asked Krit

"NO, . . . well yah kind of." Soon they were all loaded up into the ship and they took off.

"This hole thing was pointless, we didn't even see Santa, all we did was take his candy cane bonsai away from him," said Gwen.

"No we did do something very important today," Krit said defensively.

"What", asked Gwen, but got her answer as she saw Venus blow up.

"We have successfully become the second planet closest to the sun," then she opened a portal and pushed Sasuke, Neji and Shika through it and closed it.

"Wana go to Jupiter?" asked Krit

"Sure why not."

A/N: _that was a stupid ending_ Shut up why eyes keep un-focusing. Yea I hope everyone was amused anyway, even though it really kida sucked review


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